I’m Tired

 Let me start by asking for forgiveness from God Almighty. 

God, I really don’t mean any harm. I’m generally a kind, loving, peaceful and respectful woman. Please forgive me for being so selfish. 

I am So Incredibly TIRED!! 

It is beyond me why: 

1. I couldn’t have anyone look after me in a way that guided and taught 

2. I couldn’t find a life partner to do this (do everything) with

3. I have to spend my ENTIRE LIFE taking care of people

My children are grown and on their own. Poor babies had to endure a single mother who came from an incredibly abusive marriage at the hands of their father and a scarred childhood from abandonment - which inevitably turned into abandonment issues in early adulthood.  

Everything I’ve learned relating to life - how you live - has been taught and learned the Extremely Hard Way. 

Most people I come across tend to agree that I’m a nice person. But no one is ever willing to stay. No one wants to commit...not to me. BUT Every Single Person who crosses my path wants something from me! Everyone. There are NO exceptions. None. 

And so, I’m tired. 

I went from raising my siblings to becoming a young mother who had to raise her children alone to a big sister raising grown people who needed shelter - and let’s not forget the good daughter, aunt, niece and cousin who provided the same.  

I am now in my early 50’s and it feels like this pattern will never end...that I am destined to do this for the rest of my life...by myself. This thought saddens me to no end.

I feel like I’m being punished. Maybe it was because of the bad choices made earlier on. Maybe it was the situations I allowed myself and my children to get into. Maybe it was a bad disposition, bad attitude. I don’t know but whatever it was, I now beg You, Almighty God, please forgive me and release me from the pain, guilt and sadness that takes over. 

Why can’t I finally just live my life?? I feel like my whole existence has been for everyone else Except myself. Terrible feeling. 

I am so sorry....please forgive me. 

Comments

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